Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.
←Rate | 12-11-2017 04:37 by huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”
←Rate | 01-05-2018 19:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Did you know that if you light a candle during a full moon and say the name of the person you love three times you will look very stupid doing that.
←Rate | 02-17-2018 09:14 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings?
←Rate | 04-10-2018 15:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her and yell "DON'T DIE ON ME!" and then people always clap when she wakes up.
←Rate | 05-04-2018 10:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
←Rate | 06-26-2018 15:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I said Alexa, what do women want? The damn thing has not shut up for the past three days.
←Rate | 09-25-2018 01:11 by Haha Comments (0)  


   messageicon when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall
←Rate | 07-30-2017 22:52 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
←Rate | 09-23-2017 23:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So on "The Bachelor," a guy gets to make out with 20 different hot women and each one of them is convinced that he'd be the perfect husband. And this is a "reality" show?
←Rate | 09-25-2017 23:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?
←Rate | 04-16-2018 10:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Check if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the wifi.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 14:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you think men are the stronger sex, watch a man react when the girlfriend says "what did you just say to me?"
←Rate | 04-17-2018 12:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So proud of myself for being healthy & buying vegetables that are just gonna sit at the bottom of my fridge until they go bad.
←Rate | 04-17-2018 13:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This job is really getting in the way of my naps.
←Rate | 05-09-2018 06:13 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.
←Rate | 05-22-2018 07:56 by @jasonlastname Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten; be patient and wait your turn.
←Rate | 06-22-2018 09:36 Comments (0)  




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