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X I can tolerate having a "kick me" note put on my back, but a "wash me" note really cuts to the core.
X You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
X Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can't tell anyone about.
X Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.
X I'm torn between having 'wish you were here' or 'look behind you' engraved on my headstone.
X This dishwasher sucks. It's already ruined three of my paper plates.
X In class: 2+2=4 Homework: 2+4+2=8 Exam: John had 4 apples. He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass.
X Why is the media so negative? Instead of "Polar Bear Kills Alaskan Teen", why not "Alaskan Teen Feeds Starving Polar Bear"?
X My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."
X One of the cooler things you can do when you die is be buried with an elephant bone, just to confuse future archaeologists.
X says a drunk was hauled into court.”Mister,” the judge began, you've been brought here for drinking.” “Great,” the drunk exclaimed. “When do we get started?”
X Only a few of us have that special talent to trip UP the stairs.
X If I ever saw someone do some of the things I do, I'd be horrified.
X If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there.
X This damn Mcdonald's never has a fully stocked condiment counter. This is the last straw!
X Opposites attract, that's the trouble with being awesome
X I can't stand people who look down on people who look down on people.
X I hope the new Superman movie is just two hours of Clark Kent frantically searching for a phone booth.
X Told the 7-11 clerk if I win on this lotto scratcher, I'd share. Now here I stand, $2 richer, trying to explain to him I lied.
X I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.