Zinc Funny Status Messages

   Just tried to change my password to 'Twilight,' but Facebook wouldn't let me. Said there's too many useless characters.

   I'm curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they're taking it out of their cars too?

   I'm always right. And when I'm not, I edit Wikipedia.

   Alcohol doesn't solve problems, but neither does milk

   I just realized that sometimes I can be a little condescending (that means I talk down to people).

   I'm sick of people comparing Freddie Mercury to God. I mean, the guy was pretty good, but he was no Freddie Mercury.

   No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, If a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, You answer it.

   I really only realize what I'm missing by not having a relationship when I have to make my own sandwiches.

   Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Someone's going to be wrong.

   I've got some terrible news: FOX

   I find it weird that restraining orders don't specify what kind of restraints to use.

   If you don't like gay marriage blame straight people. They're the ones who keep on having gay babies.

   Toys R Us sells toys. Bikes R Us sells bikes. Imagine my disappointment when I went next door to Babies R Us

   Everyone I know is either getting married or pregnant, I'm just getting drunk

   I really gotta start saying "congratulations" Instead of "are you keeping it?"

   Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"

   They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I've never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.

   I once visited The Virgin Islands. When I left, they were just called The Islands.

   This morning, I got robbed in the shower by some soap scum.