Truman Funny Status Messages

   Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card? I really need some bits for my kids Go-kart that's all?

   My girlfriend says I spend far too much time on foreplay!...so I'd better pull my finger out!

   Well!..my survival talk to a group of backpackers went very well last night!..they were all on the edge of their seats!

   People spend a fortune on insect proofing their houses and buying fly-spray..then eat in the garden?

   I'll bet people with Tourette's make awful anatomy teachers!!

   I went to view a house on a Native American reservation! "I like it" I said "Does it come with running water?" "Go to Hell Paleface" He replied.."Get your own wife!"

   To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!

   Planning a trip to Australia..I was asked if I had a criminal record?..I didn't know you still needed one?

   I think Stephen Hawking would be alive today if his family had called an ambulance and not taken him to PC World?

   Korean scientists have announced that have successfully cloned two Macaques! It's impossible to tell them apart..said one of the monkeys!!

   I hate it when I click on a porn video and I can see myself in the screen while it's loading?

   So it's been reported that Trevor Baylis has passed away? Is this a wind up?

   Hello dangerous young man! Come and look at our extensive range of military grade, rapid - fire weapons, that can easily eliminate any normal people that question your anti - social and sadistic tendencies!

   Angela Merkel isn't convinced about the reputations of Trump and Weinstein..she says she's never been touched up by either of them!

   I know it's early..but I often forget things, so I've just written my letter to Santa, warning him not to drink the milk at Bill Cosby's place!!

   I'm so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"

   Thankyou, slow walking family in front of me on the foothpath, No please, take your time.... and definately spread out, so you create a barricade of idiots.

   Twerking and selfie have been officially added to the dictionary. Future and Optimism have been removed.

   I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour De France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

   I hate when I'm singing and people join in. B*tch, this aint glee.