MBH Funny Status Messages

   Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and then a diet coke?

   When I was older I used to love playing around with time machines.

   I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids.

   ... CAT RULE #2: Get plenty of sleep so you can play at 4am

   I just got a job that pays .000002 million!!

   Obama says... It would be very helpful to me if the rest of you would please stop striving for excellence.

   When I get rich the first thing I'm going to do is to buy a new butt, because the one I have now has a crack in it.

   The fastest way to get ahold of a live person at AT&T is to scream obscenities at the voice prompts.

   So gingivitis isn't the fear of redheads?

   Are there any workout programs that target the face? You really need one of those.

   Yeah, come on over we're just pre-gaming for the grocery store.

   That psychic was terrible. She didn't even know I was going to run out without paying!

   Mr. Dentist you can b*tch at me all day to start flossing, but the truth is I'm more likely to watch Jersey Shore than I am to floss. I'd rather have a pincone shoved up my a$$ than watch jersey shore. So unless you've got a pinecone, stop wasting my time

   Fun idea: No kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.

   Sometimes all I'm really doing with my life is just trying to make it from one weekend to the next.

   MTV has 'My Super Sweet 16' and 'When I Was 17.' What's next? 'Officer, I swear I thought she was 18?!'

   If you can't say something nice, we're probably related.

   Sometimes late at night I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

   I wonder how stupid people knew they were being stupid before the slap to the back of the head was invented?

   Tom Brady says he refuses to watch Hard Knocks. He doesn't need to watch. The Patriots tape the Jets practices anyway.