@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine!!! Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

   I just had an email saying "You may be entitled to £3750 for that accident you had." It must have been pretty bad, I can't even remember it happening.

   After the 2.2 magnitude earthquake in Blackpool, a huge crack has appeared on the promenade. The Tourist Board are said to be delighted that Jordan has decided to take a holiday there.

   I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p. I've adjusted the price to cover inflation.

   BBC News: Questions being asked why bomb detecting equipment didn't detect fake bomb on board plane which flew from London to Istanbul. Erm, because it wasn't a bomb?

   When I was at school I belonged to a gang called The Secret Seven and we were sworn to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other six were.

   1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375 GB in about 3 seconds... And you thought virgin broadband was fast.....

   Wales.... the only country where you can get a delicious hotpot, a smashing jumper and a decent shag... all from the same animal!

   Sky News - "Man Arrested On Suicide Bomb Charges" I know nothing about this case, but i'm fairly confident it wasn't him.

   I was in Wimbledon the other day and was talking to this guy and he said he was a ball boy. I told him I'm more of a breast man myself.

   I can't stand those people who hate football but still go along to games to deliberately cause trouble and ruin them for everybody else. Bloody referees.

   My wife has got a Licence To Kill. Or Driving Licence as she likes to calls it.

   I've always had an over active imagination. Like one time I found myself drowning in an ocean made out of tango, it took me a while to work out it was just a fanta sea.

   Radio One DJ Chris Moyles has announced he will perform a record-breaking 37 hour radio show. If rumours are to be believed then during his time on air he will play almost a dozen records.

   "Boob" is the perfect word. The B looks like an aerial view of them, the 2 o's look like a front view, and the b looks like the side view.

   There are 206 bones in the human body. This can rise to 209 on a regular basis if your name is Jordan.

   Apparently Cheryl Cole must drop her accent for the X-Factor to succeed in America. I reckon the show would work better if she dropped her knickers instead.

   I've been trying to teach my mate how to play golf recently but the problem seems to be his drive. His wife stands on it and doesn't let us out.

   Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager. It's called the Heineken Manoeuvre.

   Yahoo News; 'Two Sharks Attack Diver' Nice to see FIFA have toughened up on the punishment!