andrew jackson Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon I just called. To say. I texted you.
←Rate | 11-28-2013 02:01 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon "If you've been hurt in a car wreck you need someone who will fight to get you the money you deserve. I will pee on your bed." - cat lawyer
←Rate | 11-28-2013 02:11 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
←Rate | 12-02-2013 07:48 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was so angry at my parents when I found out Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.
←Rate | 12-04-2013 05:41 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I die, keep it simple. Just launch me into space while Elton John plays "Rocket Man" on a glass piano and Maya Angelou reads my statuses
←Rate | 12-09-2013 01:38 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Imagine the first guy who built one of those big water fountains telling everyone: "I hear if you throw money in this, you can make a wish!"
←Rate | 12-09-2013 22:22 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
←Rate | 12-10-2013 05:44 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dressed my snowman up as a security guard, and then I put him out in front of a snow bank.
←Rate | 12-10-2013 11:09 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster
←Rate | 12-11-2013 21:56 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've said it before and I'll say it again: it before
←Rate | 12-13-2013 05:18 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon They say women dress for women and undress for men, whereas I dress for my pets and undress for joggers.
←Rate | 12-15-2013 14:33 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon My high-school was a magnet school. All the girls were repelled by me.
←Rate | 12-16-2013 17:45 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Starting a Book Club. First rule of Book Club: read Fight Club.
←Rate | 12-20-2013 05:40 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I always know what my childhood friends are doing these days, thanks to the user-friendly county mugshot database.
←Rate | 12-21-2013 08:20 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Quick question: Is it okay if I actually like people I sometimes disagree with? Just wanted to check since I don't see it very often anymore
←Rate | 12-22-2013 06:21 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?
←Rate | 12-22-2013 06:31 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Nobody can MAKE the Yuletide gay. It's not a choice. That's how it was born.
←Rate | 12-26-2013 05:23 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If John Cusack ever said I did something I didn't do, I'd say "Take it easy, John Accusack!" and then I'd saunter off.
←Rate | 12-26-2013 07:56 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Basically the way it works is I tell myself I'm not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
←Rate | 12-26-2013 08:00 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Returned every single Christmas gift today. Even handmade ones from my kids
←Rate | 12-27-2013 08:11 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  



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