markf Funny Status Messages

   there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?

   I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.

   How to make a millenial laugh: tell them you have only 22 photos of your entire childhood.

   Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

   I'm pretty sure my $2 Sportsclips coupon already told you I am not interested in the $60 shampoo, but thanks for showing it to me anyway.

   Next time you find yourself complaining on your $600 smartphone, put it down and rethink your life.

   I am wondering if female squirrells only get 80% of the acorns that males get

   Not sure who will be performing at the Super Bowl half-time this season but I am already furious about it

   Think I will use this CSV receipt to wrap up like a mummy for Halloween. BONUS: You can scan me for $1 off any 2 liter drink

   When I leave home on time for something I have that sure feeling that I forgot something

   If I live to be 100, I will just make up a reason when people ask how. "I eat acorns every day."

   I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.

   Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.

   The most impoprtant thing I have learned about parenthood is many times my parents must have come close to child murder.

   Instead of buying a mass produced pumpkin at the store, this year my family will adopt one from a shelter

   I started the month eating candy every day to get ready for Halloween

   Wondering if there are any cold days in Hell, and if so does Satan slam his fist and say, "okay what band just got back together?"

   I can finally join the crowd that says THE BOOK WAS BETTER now that most movies are about comic book heroes

   I can't wait for Amazon's new Blackmail service, where you hush money for that thing Alexa overheard

   The best part of paying $49 for this new toy for my son's Christmas present is knowing how happy some other kid will be in 3 months when we donate it to a thrift store