eengrms Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation....
←Rate | 07-02-2015 19:51 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember when emojis were just called clip art and everyone thought they were stupid?
←Rate | 07-06-2015 23:16 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon So we can beam a crystal clear selfie of Pluto from 3 billion miles away but vending machines will still not take my dollar if it has a wrinkle...
←Rate | 07-14-2015 13:58 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon ‎Primeday‬ is just like the clearance aisle at Walmart... The deals suck and you can shop in your pajamas...
←Rate | 07-15-2015 19:22 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ashley Madison's servers were hacked, just in case your husband seems really nervous today for no reason...
←Rate | 07-20-2015 10:59 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon I know I should be sad and worried about Trump but I confess I am surprised and delighted in this country's capacity to keep a joke going...
←Rate | 07-27-2015 12:11 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
←Rate | 08-08-2015 16:11 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon The five second rule is exponentially longer when no one else is around...
←Rate | 08-11-2015 13:20 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone...
←Rate | 08-14-2015 15:26 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon I could talk for hours about how good of a listener I am...
←Rate | 08-14-2015 15:27 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon That's so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect...
←Rate | 08-14-2015 15:27 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife said that to make our relationship work, we both need to make sacrifices. I've chosen a goat...
←Rate | 08-14-2015 15:28 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise. And I was right.
←Rate | 08-14-2015 15:28 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon How many more short, funny sentences must I post on the internet before I am worthy of human love?
←Rate | 08-14-2015 15:29 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night...
←Rate | 08-14-2015 15:30 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon I had this one night stand a few weeks ago but I wasn't satisfied with the craftsmanship so I returned it and got a bedside table instead...
←Rate | 08-14-2015 15:31 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon there a Nobel prize for being extremely mediocre because I would like to nominate myself...
←Rate | 08-14-2015 15:31 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon There's really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn't been invented...
←Rate | 08-14-2015 15:32 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon Once my kids wake up, my only goal for the rest of the day is getting them back to bed...
←Rate | 08-15-2015 11:38 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon Haunted houses would be scarier if they were filled with women that wanted you to guess their age...
←Rate | 08-15-2015 13:57 by eengrms Comments (0)  




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