Baddie Funny Status Messages

   My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.

   I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"

   According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

   You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.

   I just got an email with the subject line "Whales are counting on you". I responded "Whales are making a serious mistake"

   Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head.

   Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.

   If she takes off her heels to chase you, then you better call the police while you still can.

   The Black Eyed Peas are just regular peas that got on an elevator with Ray Rice.

   So now people are purposely sucking on cups to enlarge their lips. What more is the apocalypse waiting for?

   Sorry I mispronounced your baby's name you made up.

   It's sexy when a woman wears nothing but a long shirt to bed, it's sexier when she doesn't see you watching from the tree outside her window

   Doing yoga has given me more respect for all the positions I've put women in.

   It's like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.

   Nothing saves money like being antisocial.

   be careful what you post online because future employers might see it and want to hang out with you because you’re so cool

   People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

   Before you begin, I’m legally obligated to tell you I don’t care.

   It's called mankind because womanmean just sounded too obvious.

   I wish more people were fluent in silence.