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X And now I must perform the nightly ritual where I use "floss" to purify my gums of their excess blood
X Apparently,, re-enacting scenes from "Deadliest Catch" are frowned upon at Red Lobster.
X Just overheard the guy in the next stall over whisper "get out of me" and then start to cry.... Lord, How I hate Turnpike rest stops.
X Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark, isn't it?
X To be or not to be? What a silly question Hamlet... Just let it be,, let it be... J. Macartney
X I don't know alot about history,,, but I know Marco Polo was definitely the most annoying swimmer of all the famous explorers.
X Wish me luck... I'm off to contest library fines, on the grounds that I'm an "exceedingly slow" reader.
X Geeesh,,Nobody seems to care about all the times I DIDN'T drop the baby.
X Remember children are our future...If we do not keep them plump and healthy, we will have nothing to eat during the apocalypse.
X I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates, but I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates.
X Updates are like performing live music. Often the audience goes wild for your mediocre solo but sleeps through one you think is brilliant.
X I used to be addicted to soap,,,,,but I'm clean now
X If I give you a tour of my house, in every room I'll say, "This is where the magic happens!",,, and you'll feel super weird about it.
X My neighbor is the CEO of a factory that makes annoying children
X Our Grandpa of a V!agra overdose,,, and to this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper...
X Our Grandpa died of a V!agra overdose,,, and to this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper...
X My favorite comedy writer is that guy that writes the assembly instructions for IKEA.......Subtle, Dark, Brilliant..
X My wifes poor ovaries.. They keep producing eggs, like those Japanese soldiers on a Pacific island who don't know the war is over.
X I apologize sir, but we're all out of Mohicans.
X says I scream.. You scream.. We're all screaming... (This is awesome!!!)