joser Funny Status Messages

   Disinfecting my kitchen right now with the glass of vodka and Red Bull that I just spilled all over the countertop.

   No one has ever complimented me on my mountain fresh scent. Either people are jerks or this body wash is bullsh*t.

   Dear Santa, Don't bother coming to my house this year. I've been naughty and it was f*cking worth it, you judgemental son of a b*tch!

   One night stands in hotel rooms just don't do it for me anymore. ...That's why I always ask for a bed with two night stands.

   Just read an article about the stock market, and there were three things in it that I didn't quite understand: Every, single, word.

   I was going to go to the gym and run 7 miles this morning to continue trying to look good but then I remembered I own Photoshop.

   My therapist said I let other people control my emotions to much. I don't think that's true at all, what do you think?

   Evidently that good Samaritan bullsh*t doesn't apply when you help an old lady cross the street on the hood of your car.

   Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

   Stupid bloody garbage trucks waking me up at noon.

   Hey lady in the other car, eating and talking on your cell phone. It's called a Ford Focus, not a Ford Multi-task.

   These food stamps taste terrible...

   My gf says I never listen to her (or something like that)

   Target is nothing more than Walmart in a tuxedo t-shirt.

   Light switches that flip up for off should be banned

   Cyber sex is not as easy as it sounds. I should have picked a less crowded Starbucks.

   69 is the Kamikaze of oral sex. "If I'm going down, you're coming with me!"

   "If I weren't such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face"

   Deleting your Facebook account is a quick way to find out what people will say at your funeral.

   friend request you on facebook?? woah, slow down we just met. tell me about yourself...oh, you're in the mafia AND you're a farmer? check please.