Kisstopher Funny Status Messages

   Maybe the people that say money can't buy happiness are just buying the wrong stuff?

   My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don't know if I'm kidding or not.

   If you don't want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

   The older the Facebook post, the creepier your "like" becomes.

   I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?

   Don't piss me off and then tell me to calm down. That's just like stabbing someone and then asking them not to bleed.

   Its amazing how many bad decisions can be justified or explained away by just saying, "I was drunk" or "I was in love"

   Studies show that your chances of getting murdered drop down significantly when you STFU and mind your own business.

   Dear Chicken I don't get why you r so popular 4 crossing the road ... Yours Sincerely The cow that jumped over the Möön

   I've tried everything to get to sleep. Well, except that thing where you shut off your phone and close your eyes, but let's not get crazy.

   Every girl wants to be the one that makes a player quit the game. But sometimes that's like being the zebra that wants to turn a lion into a vegetarian.

   I think all women who say, "All men are Jerks" mean to say, "All the men I chose to date are jerks" or put simply, "I am attracted to jerks"

   I love doggie style as much as the next guy, but sometimes she's just too pretty to do from behind.

   Sometimes I look at what someone is wearing and I can't help but think, "did you give up on life?"

   It's funny how some people think they can fool me when I ignore their calls and they call me with a private number 5 minutes later. You really think I am that stupid? I know it's YOU.

   Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen”

   If someone tells you their horoscope says they're going to have a good day, it's your duty as a human being to punch them in the throat and prove them wrong.

   No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.

   Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...

   If you love someone, set them fee. If they don't come back, call them up later when you're drunk.