Fazzella Funny Status Messages

   A guy tells his daughter to remove 2 words from her vocabulary. She asked which 2. He says, "one is gross the other is awesome." She goes, "okay what are they?"

   All I'm saying is a nacho bar would go a long ways towards earning that bigger tip, Uber drivers.

   I hate when I'm on a first date and she goes, "I just know we'll be together forever." Then uses Crazy Glue instead of lube.

   I had a dream last night that I was a kid and my big and middle toes were missing. I yelled for my mom and told her. She said, "Don't worry about it. I'm pretty sure one went to market and the other one's having roast beef."

   I'm SO looking forward to Disney's new Brazilian Wax theme park. Yes, I'm talking about EPTWAT.

   My wife, whose almost deaf wants a kid. She went to the doctor and he said she has a fissure in her uterus and if she had a baby it's be a miracle. She thought he said she had a fish in her uterus and if she had a baby it's be a mackerel.

   If Hillary wins, all public government announcements will begin with: Ladies, Gentlemen and Trannies....

   Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love. Hillary said, "You didn't have s-e-x, did you? Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

   Cable Company Rep: Okay, sir. You ordered the premium cable service, land line phone, and high speed internet. Would you like our WiFi too? Me: Oh, no. No way. Absolutely not! Cable Company Rep: Sir, I said our WiFi not our wife.

   Okay you refugees, idiots aren't terrorist. By definition, they are running away from the idiots. Why are you too stupid to realize this???????

   Everytime we go out for pizza, calzone and garlic knots, my girl always has to ruin the evening by ordering a salad.