Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My boyfriend doesn't like bacon. I like him a lot, but I don't know how much longer we're going to last.

   If you gotta ask her "Does this feel good??" you aint doin it right....

   declaring 2012 is the year of the Honey Badger! Google  "Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger"

   Having trouble with your iPhone saying "No Service"? Just put your shirt and shoes back on.

   Funny, on the same day Don Cornelius dies, my platform shoes lost their sole.

   's son bought a Justin Beiber CD. I wonder which Powerpuff girl he will dress as for Carnival

   Who let Tony Bennett out of the nursing home?

   Jeremy Lin is no flash in the Moo goo gai pan.

   There are those of us here in Central FL that don't care about the Daytona 500...or as I like to call it, The Redneck Equivalent Of The Royal Wedding.

   Preseason football is like watching the JV basketball team play before the Varsity.

   Kanye should’ve interrupted Miley’s performance to say that Beyonce’s ass would look better in those shorts.

   I was watching MMA and a NASCAR Race broke out!!!!

   WARNING! if you get a mail where it says "go to hell", DON'T do it!! It's a fake mail! It's really hot down there and people are pissed

   - I like my women like I like my Internet porn blocker....disabled.

   OK girls...we aren't ignoring you, we are not being disrespectful, we hear the phone ringing, we hear the text notification!! We still love you, thank you for all you do.....So go shopping or get your nails done, go out with the girls or get something wax

   I just realized that since my birthday is in January - that means I was probably conceived on April Fools Day....that explains a lot, actually

   TODAY'S GOSPEL: The best way to get along with people is to not expect them to be like you.

   There are teenagers having unprotected sex, but have cases on their cell phones. Just let that sink in for a moment...

   I'm not saying not to trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I've won, and the number of iPads I actually own...

   I found handcuffs in one of my sister's drawers. Why would she not tell me she's a cop?