Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon hates people who try to straighten their glasses with grimaces
←Rate | 04-11-2011 13:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Guy: God, how long is a million years to you? God: A minute. Guy: How much is a million dollars to you? God: A penny. Guy: Can I have a penny? God: In a minute
←Rate | 04-11-2011 13:46 by Justin Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger this afternoon and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner."
←Rate | 04-11-2011 13:46 by hovo Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I go on deployments, I have my friends send me Jack Daniels in a Listerine bottle.
←Rate | 04-11-2011 13:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Went to this mexican restaurant for dinner ... It had pronounciations of each item ... Nachos (Na-choos) Buritto (Bur-ee-toe) Taco (Ta-Koe), never laughed so hard in my life! Side note: It was attached to a bowling alley ... awesome
←Rate | 04-11-2011 13:45 by hovo Comments (0)  


   messageicon Jack Daniels.
←Rate | 04-11-2011 13:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I see a kid about 4 - 7 years old with a mullet I can almost guarantee you there is a meth lab at his house and I would just like to go smack his parents!!
←Rate | 04-11-2011 13:08 by urboyblue Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sophisticated…Aerodynamic…Incredibly Powerful, yet responsive to lightweight handling
←Rate | 04-11-2011 12:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People who take the elevator up one floor should wear signs reading "I quit trying at life long ago."
←Rate | 04-11-2011 12:03 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Starting to doubt if Lage Gaga is a drag queen
←Rate | 04-11-2011 11:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm thinking about getting a dog from Asia. Instead of eating your homework, they actually do it for you.
←Rate | 04-11-2011 11:26 by thejoeyhamer Comments (0)  


   messageicon offensive and creative like handicap porn…
←Rate | 04-11-2011 10:44 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon Rain on a Monday, in spite of the fact we need the rain, is unacceptable. Mother Nature will be hearing from my attorney.
←Rate | 04-11-2011 09:45 by mntnbikerbw Comments (0)  


   messageicon That inopportune moment when you notice the "For a good time call" # on the bathroom wall is your girlfriend's cell #.
←Rate | 04-11-2011 08:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon That odd moment when you sober up and realized you poked your sister on facebook last night.
←Rate | 04-11-2011 07:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My imaginary friend Dan is a terrible wingman.
←Rate | 04-11-2011 07:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My 2 lesbian neighbour got me a watch for my birthday :/ I think they misunderstood me when they asked to me what do you want for birthday and I said: I WANNA WATCH!!
←Rate | 04-11-2011 06:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter.
←Rate | 04-11-2011 05:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have to put my belt on with a boomerang.
←Rate | 04-11-2011 05:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Nothing is impossible as long as you don't have to do it yourself
←Rate | 04-11-2011 05:08 Comments (0)  




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