Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if my life would be better if I wrapped it in bacon?

   "Happy Birthday! Hope your balls finally dropped! :)" - Things not to post on your ex-boyfriend's facebook page. Apparently.

   Does anyone know where you sign up to get a tee time at the Masters or is this some kind of invite only bulls***?

   She told me she'd sleep with me when pigs fly, so you can imagine how happy I am to see that police helicopter over my house right now.

   A recent study concluded that staring at women's boobs for 10 minutes a day increases life expectancy. In other news, I turn 137 this month.

   If her ass had a red "you are here" dot on it, I'd never get lost in thought.

   I'm designing a solar-powered automatic flushing toilet for people like my ex who think the sun shines out of their ass.

   Oops. My "check liver" light just came on.

   I know a lot of women with A.D.D. (Attention Demanding Disorder)

   I thought about joining the neighborhood watch... But my neighbors just aren't that attractive.

   For some reason when I look at you, the alt+f4 button appear... Somehow I wonder

   My boss is always saying, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" Tomorrow, I am going to work Naked

   i'm sorry I didn't hear you, I was stretching. I go deaf when I stretch

   Our welcome mat is missing its L. I'd leave it that way but I'm afraid it'll look like we're bragging.

   Why am I single? Oh, because I like to have guilt free casual sex with a variety of women.

   I just found a bag filled with cigarette butts, a used pregnancy test, and a bunch of empty PBR cans. I'm calling it "Trailer Mix."

   My Dentist says I need to be more aggressive when flossing, so I'm going to start barking.

   Monogamy and mahogany are both rare types of long-lasting wood.

   Hindsight is $20.20. Don't even ask what she charged to see her boobs.

   Whoever invented morning sex forgot about morning breath.