Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   knows you partied too hard the night before when you're eating cereal naked the next day and your girlfriend says: "Put your clothes on". Just then you realize that was not your girlfriend - it's some woman walking her dog.

   As our lady of Disco, the divine Miss Gloria Gaynor has always sung to us: I will survive!!!

   The X Factor is on tonight! I can't wait..... To go out to the pub

    is officially proclaiming that the bird is no longer the word. The new word is legs, go spread the word.

   Now all my friends are smoking crack and falling in vomit at McDonald's....appears to be an epidemic and spreading fast!

   The Good news is that now Tokyo Drift is only the SECOND worst thing to happen to the F&F Franchise.

   "Awe crap" ~ The first thing that goes through your head when "Michael has commented on your status" pops up in your phones notification bar.

   Women - your mouth can get you into a lot of trouble, but it can get you out of a hell of a lot more trouble.

   I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.

   And that was the last time I confused Clorox cleaning sheets with baby wipes.

   It's a sick world where Paul Walker can die in an auto accident and Bieber walk away with a bad singing career... and breathing.

   Did you ever stop to think and then forget to start again? That happens to me all the time.

   My boyfriend is such a treasure, I just want to bury him.

   Relationship Status: Sitting here in my underwear playing GTA V for two days straight

   I must have been drunk a lot as a toddler. Everyone remembers things I did as a child but me.

   Automatic flushing toilets are the premature ejaculators of bathroom fixtures.

   He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

   DO you know why I make noise?! Because I want to let you know how much I'm an a$shole.

   If there's no morning sex, don't wake me up.

   The ATM is a REAL MAN! He never borthers to ask you crap questions like "Why did you take out this much?" "Buying useless sh t again?" or "$500 at 3AM Saturday? Don't tell me it's for piano lessons again!"