Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Insanity runs in my family..it practically gallops.

   I’m really bad at impressions but I’ll give it a shot: This is my impression of a man that went into a coma in 2014 and woke up in 2019. “Seriously? That dude? Aaand scene.

   What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him he won't come to you anyway.

   I make my decisions like I make love. I don't, because I'm married.

   That moment when you have just realized that someone had just left you with one square of toilet paper on the roll.

   Loving someone who doesn’t love you back isn’t as bad as trying to eat something immediately after brushing your teeth.

   Don't be that guy who all the women keep running away from on the dance floor.

   Homeland is a really good series if you’ve been having trouble sleeping.

   Take advantage of being a woman by bursting into tears during any sort of intense negotiations.

   People who confuse then & than Remember this... I'd rather kill you, then eat a cheeseburger

   Arriving 5mins after the liquor store closed has taught me all I need to know about why people inexplicably jump in front of freight trains.

   You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps

   while fixing the big Thanksgiving dinner remember to cook with wine like all the fancy tv chefs say....you'll be too drunk to realize what the family is saying or doing

   GoPro’s stock dropped 23.34 percent to 10.87 Wednesday afternoon after the company announced its Q4 was worse than expected. The good new is the CEO caught this eloquent downward spiral on video for all stock holders to enjoy.........

   High School is like a free trial of education and when you're done it says "If you want to continue pay $50,000."

   Bought a cruise missile today and now I’m waiting for my neighbor to walk his dog in my yard.

   Girl called me up today, said come on over, nobody is home......So I went over. She was right, nobody was home.

   This stop sign has been red for half an hour.... I'm about to just go

   A nap is a nap if you take your pants off.

   Apparently it's against the law in Janesville, Wisconsin, to commit lewd acts in a Kwik Trip store. Please take note.