Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Peterson's kid didn't want to get spanked, then he shoudn't have misbehaved. He'll know better next time.

   FACT: In the Czech Republic, abortions are called cancelled Czechs

   On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me????

   It ain't over until Adele sings.

   Daughter: Dad I'm a lesbian Dad: ok it's cool 2nd daughter: I'm also a lesbian Dad: Does anyone in this family like *%#k? Son: I do!

   Why did Bella choose Edward instead of Jacob??? Cause Edward can still go down on her even if it's her time of the month

   while it's true that skinny girls freeze to death faster in the winter, it is also true that fat girls die alone.

   When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear

   if someone with parkinson's accepts your apology for making fun of them, is it wrong to ask them to shake on it? Just asking.

   I don't understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?

   Dear Northern Liberal tree huggers.......Winter Storm Nemo says FU and your global warming!!!

   My american dream is to live off medicaid, welfare and food stamps.. then I can spend all day on facebook ;)

   i think my Yogurts haunted ...... Paranormal Activia

   I agree with my orange messiah. Terminate the constitution!

   I don't take responsibility for how I handled the Coronavirus situation. Instead, I'll blame it all on Obama.

   Obeying the stay at home order, I've been doing a lot of house cleaning. In the basement I found my kid's old Speak and Spell, which I immediately mailed to the white house.

   When GOD pushes you to the edge of difficulty trust him fully because two things can happen. Either he will catch you when you fall, or he will teach you how to fly.

   just hung up with the muffin man. he said he's feeling crummy

   How many animals can you get into a pair of tights? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

   Hey Obama, I could use that change now. I am doing laundry and could use the quaters.