Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To my Atheist friends: Who do you thank now that's Friday?

   wants to be adopted by Madonna too

   The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?

   I'm guessing God had to change his password when the Mayan hacked his account and found out about 2012.

   I used to grow weed on Farmville and sell it on Mafia Wars. Good Times!

   This doctor is claiming he's the best surgeon of all time. He said, a few years back I was able to jam this guy's brains all back in his head after an accident, and look... Now he's president

   "As Obama Discusses His Job Creation Plan, Bank Of America Releases Details Of 40,000 Job Cuts"

   turned around in bed to say goodnight to my beautiful lady...after three days I wonder why she doesn't have the decency to stop saying "who are you.? Please let me go!"

   The only thing that should be seperated by color is laundry♥

   You never forget the first time you learned what a PROLAPSE is. Damn you, Google images.

   Girl I would strap 45 lb plates to my ball sack and swim up the Amazon river with Rosie O'Donnell's queef as my air supply to prove my value to you.

   What does a 90 year old virgin's pussa taste like,,,,,Depends

   I can tell within 19 seconds of meeting you if our sex is going to be consensual or not..

   ...... Congrats to Mr Baumgartner for breaking the sound barrier!!!! He's very lucky that the records were the only things that were broken!!!!

   My new girlfriend is a cagefighter. They all are, for the first day or two.

   I just drank some food color, now I think I'm dyeing inside.

   thinks if you give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks.

   Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?

   What goes 'clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG'? An Amish drive-by shooting.

   damn right I'm good in bed... I can sleep for days!!