Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my spleen on my pant leg. And my liver adds a certain flair to my belt.

   Fun new drinking game for parents: Take a shot every time your child screams. Hahaha... Just kidding! Don't do this. You'll die.

   I went to a karaoke bar last night that refused to play songs from the 70's. At first I was afraid,I was petrified.

   sometimes I still wish I had Jessie's Girl.

   .... One of the BIG problems with getting married too early in life is that .... When you get older .... The sexual position formerly known as 69 ..... Eventually becomes 96.

   Ladies, you're the syrup atop my waffles, the sizzle on my bacon and the cream in my coffee. What I'm saying is ur killing me.

   Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

   35% of your Facebook friends see your posts. Less than 1% react or comment. These stats don't apply to females who post swimsuit pics or b00bs. They're at 100%.

   My wife is so fat that she keeps walking into things....... Like Mc. Donald's Dunkin Donuts Dairy Queen etc etc etc

   My wife and I broke because of my gambling...... I hit the lottery and left her.

   To the person who stole my diet pills, you have nothing to gain.

   [at a funeral] What happens to his leftover meds?

   Having a bad day?? You could be a siamese twin attached to a gay brother who has a date and your the only one with an ass!

   I can't believe that Ariana and Pete broke up! And also that worldwide climate catastrophe is imminent!

   There's a further south than South America?

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

   Just think, without microwave ovens, we couldn't drink 50 degree hot chocolate from a 500 degree mug!

   If given a choice between getting a tattoo or throwing my money on the ground, whoever is behind me is going to be very happy!

   I farted in Wallmart and the lady next to me asked what kind of perfume I was wearing

   If you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it