Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wish I could change my relationship status to "batteries dead" LOL

   I was gonna buy a copy of 'The Power of Positive Thinking', and then I thought, what good would that do?

   Health plans are like hospital gowns…You only think you're covered.

   I'm searching Facebook for people named Hontas, just because I think it would be cool... to poke a Hontas.

   Congrats to Kim Kardashian & Reggie Bush uh Cristiano Ronaldo, I mean Nick Cannon? Nick Lachey? Ray J? Miles Austin? Oh Kris Humphries.......

   Everybody needs to believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer.

   Life was so much easier before security cameras

   It would be pretty cool if, on her last show, Oprah ripped off a mask and it was Michael Jackson.

   Some things should not be abbreviated like Save The Dates (STD) or Future Mother in Law (FML)

   Dude why are you making that face? You look like you're gambling on a fart.

   Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. -Plato

   I would punch you straight in the face but my hand would get covered in the $hit you talk.

   What a great world it would be, if the only complaint was bugs on the windshield.

   Cinnabun- $1...cup of mocha coffee- $.50... tripping over the rug, dropping the Cinna bun, spilling the hot coffee on my shoes and yelling "$h!t" out loud in front of 3 customers......priceless

   A Man who treats his lady like a Princess was surely brought up in teh hands of a QUEEN!

   Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realise why it never worked out with anyone else.

   The easiest way to not be offended by a joke, is to stop being a cu^t.

   If you were any smarter I could teach you to fetch.

   If all the world's a stage, then where's the hook to yank off the idiots?

   "HEY LAAAADIIIIEEEESSS!" - guy who gets no ladies.