Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   been so busy lately that even Facebook feels neglected

   After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

   Get your tongue out of my mouth !...I'm trying to kiss you good-bye !

   Nice BBQ. The bulls got cooked by extreme heat. Anyone want steak?

   im not rich so I'll put a midget in my back pocket so my wallet looks bigger

   I always have this feeling that the SWAT team is waiting to bust through my door

   That fire we once had is now embers

   Instructions on how to keep an idiot busy: Read instructions again.

   I'd like Facebook to suggest: Since you've just de-friended that loser, how about you get rid of some more  deadweight, like ……

   Hey single ladies, you want a boyfriend? Easy! Learn to shut up and dramatically lower your standards!

   Leaving Facebook for Twitter is like leaving the bar to go home.

   I love when bicthes make status about how much the hate b**ches

   Shout out to everyone who ever gave GOD I mean Bishop Eddie Long Stroke money. Your money got put to good use today. I'm sure GOD is proud. Shout out to the Building Fund also. That private bedroom he has in his office must be nice.

   Why can you buy movies at Walmart with nude scenes in them and can't by a CD with cussin??

   Alcohol is very very bad for you. It makes you admit stuff you wouldn't normally admit while sober. Trust me.

   I'm thinking that Barney Frank's boyfriend already had a position at Fanny....

   If you think paper beats rock...Hold a piece of paper up in front of your face and I'll throw a rock at it.

   My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."

   When my words fail, I try interpretive dancing... that usual works

   If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?