Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fungry: The state of being f**king hungry

   Having high standards increases your quality of life and decreases the bullsh*t in your life!

   WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please pickup your cell phone and call everyone you know about this!

   Every time I see a "Baby On Board" sign in a car window I wonder why in the hell the baby isn't in a car seat? Isn't a car seat safer than strapping your baby on a board and do you really want to advertise your lack of parenting skills?

   BBC News: Borrowers still struggle to get onto first rung of the housing ladder. I'm not surprised, the poor b-starrds are f-kin tiny.

   Just got robo-call from Paul Revere warning that the redcoats are coming. My, he's changed.

   You can call a girl cute or hot and it's basically the same thing... I have found this rule does not apply to babies.

   According to Sarah PalinUSA a "gotcha question" is any question she cannot answer aka all questions.

   feeling unsatisfied.... Kind of like getting a hand job from someone with no fingers.

   A friend is like a good bra: hard to find, comfortable, supportive, always lifts you up, makes you look better, never lets you down or leaves you hanging, and always close to your heart.

   I think telling my date that "Good things come to those who wait" therefore I was going to be an hour late wasn't such a good idea.

   Excuse me guys, help here. What does it mean if the husband of a woman you have been flirting with on Facebook sends you a friend request? Am I in trouble? Should I be worried?

   I'm trying to get back to my original weight. 7 lbs 9 oz

   STILL, loking for a Russian maid with ten fingers like a mouth and a mouth like ten fingers...

   So it turns out the bean sprouts are innocent and have been released without charge, cucumbers are still suspect and being interviewed. But I have a seriously guilty looking tomato in the fridge......

   WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.

   Plaxico Burress is out of jail today... Only a black man would be sent to jail for 2 years for shooting himself...

   After seeing Jennifer Aniston new boyfriend, I just realized that possibly I did have a chance....

   planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now he doesn't know what to feed it.

   If you have to ask why I don't like you, you just answered your own question.