Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are easy to make happy. Just 1) Spend more than you make on them, 2) Tell her she's pretty, 3) Unfriend every girl you know (even your sister), 4) ignore every sport but cheerleading and 5) Smile while you rat hole money for when she divorces you...

   Welcome to Fart Club, it stinks in here, this was a bad decision for a club.

   Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.

   Just cuz, I likkes one of your Pictures doesnt mean to come and inbox me stuppid assss questions like, "where are you these days?" , "Duh bitcch, on FB!!!"

   This recliner and I go WAY back!

   I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, 4 cd's, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.

   Dear Public Restrooms, Please loosen the spindle for your TP. NOONE likes wiping their a$$ with a handful of confetti! Sincerely, Gotta Poop!

   "The cancer was initially treatable but the x-ray tech who saw it didn't bother to report it to the proper authorities.

   If the g-string is any indicator, the g-spot is somewhere near the anus.

   i can sound like a broken record,i can sound like a broken record, I can sound like a broken record,i can sound like a broken record...

   When someone hands me a Bible, I flip it open and autograph it. Then I hand it back (as they look very confused), I smile and say.. "It's always nice to meet a fan!"

   "This dog,is dog,a dog,good dog,way dog,to dog,keep dog,an dog,idiot dog,busy dog,for dog,20 dog,seconds dog," Now read without the word (dog)

   I think Kanye turned the power off because Beyonce gave the best Super Bowl performance of all time.

   The weather outside is frightful! Hot sex is so delightful,theres nobody else you know, text a ho,text a ho,text a ho

   We can all say "Happy New Year" , but don't forget those who lost their homes and loved ones today due to the tornadoes; I am sure its not a very Happy New Year for some. So for me, I am just thankful for what I still have today.

   If somebody has a 50 gallon barrel for rainwater please PM me, but I'm not going to pick it up because I don't need it.

   When my girlfriend was paralysed after the accident she worried about the changes it would make to her life. My concern was how would she cope now that she was single....

   People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Noah was the size of a cat

   If I could play golf with any celebrity, it would be Stephen Hawking. I would win by a landslide, assuming he doesn't play with a handicap.

   FaceBook was shut down for 10min today.I could only imagine the baby boom to come in 9 months from now...