Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!

   I don't think I could ever work for Research In Motion (the maker of BlackBerry). How do I tell my parents I got a RIM job?

   Those women on the Real Housewives. I'm not sure what's more fake: their personalities or their breasts

   Called animal control cause I found a nest outside my window. Never knew those guys were so good at pickin up chicks

   Apparently episodes of General Hospital are being replaced by Prison Break. Looks like daytime TV just dropped the soap..

   It seems like only yesterday that my abs didn't have the letters "FL" in front of them.

   Im not as smart as a 5th grader ...but I think I could kick the shi%t out of one of them..!!!!

   ‎,,!,,(-.-),,!,, in this kind of mood

   Cutting onions doesn't make me cry. I became indifferent to their suffering years ago.

   Um.... how is that akward? Well, unless you were sitting in your room naked with a bowl of Jell-o.

   I'm writing a book about cheap imported cars... It's a real Saab story.

   I love those sayings that have 2 opposite words in them... Exact Estimate - Act Naturally - Small Crowd - Found Missing - Happily Married...

   Honey, you spread rumors almost just as Much as you spread your legs.

   Seeing a spider is nothing, it becomes a problem when it disappears

   does things that no cartoon character would dare to go

   I used to think it was fine to eat Taco Bell twice in one week... I sit corrected.

   The doctor called me in his office and said be positive. I said why doc what's wrong? He said nothing... that's your blood type.

   I'm pretty sure Knick, Knack and Patty Whack have given me the bone today.

   There comes a point in every unicyclist's life when he sees a bicycle and says, "Jesus, they make them with 2 wheels now. I've been a fool."

   That awkward moment where you are waiting for the light to turn green at a stop sign.