Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got my passport application forms back today..... Apparently in the Place of Birth section:"between my mother's legs" isn't an acceptable answer.

   Hey Mom! I have good news!" "You got a 100% on your math test?!" "I said I have good news, not a miracle"

   Life is s( o )( o ) much funnier when you have a dirty mind.

   A baggage carousel is the least fun carousel ever.

   My famly takes monopoly very serious. Everyone brings their own calculator cuz we dont trust any Bankers since the bailout!

   All grocery store bathrooms are required by law to look like the set of one of the "Saw" movies.

   Has anyone gotten a "your mom" tattoo instead of one that says "mom"?... I can't be the first to think of this can I ?

   If you haven't celebrated Cinco de Mayo with a sink full of Mayo while each person bobbs for Mexican midgets than you are doing it wrong.

   Hey guys, if you wanna know if your new girl is keepin' up with her "womanscaping"... take a look at her feet. If they look like an eagle's talons, run... run hard and run fast. You're Welcome. :)

   I wished I had a Med-Alert bracelet....I've fallen off the fiscal cliff, and I can't reach my Jager-Bomb! ツ

   The most beautiful women are often the most insecure, so don't forget to treat them like garbage too once in a while.

   Say what you want about Lance Armstrong, buy I'm proud of him to finally having the ball to come clean.

   Every 3rd world country in the world has a soccer team. Heck, all you need is empty space and a ball.

   Well, Red Bull, I still don't have wings but I do have the inability to talk coherently and I'm vibrating so hard, I think I just came.

   One of the women I work with said she doesn't feel like being bothered today so she's just going to leave the tampon wrapper right on top of my desk.

   Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my house .

   I'm allergic to alcohol. I break out in Sexyness and and in extreme cases nudity, walking pneumonia and the boogie woogie flu!

   When a guy tells you he's meat free, it's a safe bet he's also girlfriend free.

   Saw a baby goat rescue a baby sheep........ I kid ewe not

   Ladies, if you want something fixed around the house, don't offer your man sex. Just start fixing it yourself. Your welcome.