Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

   A friday with out Booze is like a Church without a priest...

   Did you know your Index finger is a perfect fit for your nostril?

   Frankly, 'm surprised BP hasn't called Tiger Woods, given his expertise in filling golf holes

   Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.......or swallow... In that case, call me ;)

   smelling the whiskey burning down Copperhead Road.....

   There's a good chance that any empty can you see rolling along the sidewalk is just Patrick Swayze's ghost learning how to move objects.

   Top 100 lies:::#38 No baby, I've never faked it with you.

   If going down on one knee is called Tebowing, then I guess dropping your pants and bending over is called being a US citizen!

   Facebook needs these 3 buttons: “Dislike”, “Who cares”, “Are you an idiot?”

   Kourtney Kardashian's pregnant. This is awesome because I was just starting to think that Chewbaccas were becoming extinct...

   We installed a Cain Train around the base of our Christmas tree, but it keeps stopping to hit on the Sugar Plum Fairy ornament.

   On the 5th day of Christmas? Christmas is ONE day. Convert to Judaism if you need a longer holiday.

   Search engine guide: BING = "But It's Not Google!" , YAHOO = "You Always Have Other Option" , GOOGLE = "Great Omnipotent Optimal Guide to Lots of Everything".

   Countries should have to declare thumb war before declaring actual war

   If I ever meet David Blaine, I will just kick him in the nuts and then scream "Ta-daaah!"

   If I were Vera Wang and I had a boy, I would name him Very Large Wang.

   “Can someone send me airtime?”, “Can someone buy me this nice pair of shoes I saw at the mall?”, “Can someone buy me a ticket to the Trey Songz concert?”, “Can someone bring me lunch to my workplace?” - a s1ut's facebook st@tus upd@tes.

   Jewish women aren't cheap with the bl0wjobs

   Just had a monster workout. (Bench pressed with Frankenstein then ran a 5K with an goblin.)