Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4781 of 6369
I don't have buns but if your anaconda wants crippling daddy issues coupled with intense emotional damage I'm definitely your girl.
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10-04-2014 14:09 by KAREN
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Over a thousand people die in Africa because of Ebola they get 10minute news coverage , one Australian is suspected to have Ebola gets hours of news coverage
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10-10-2014 05:12 by Czovczov
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i wish fake was a color so I could paint you properly...
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10-24-2014 19:06
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I'd pay good money to see Flo from Progressive hook up with the mayhem guy from Allstate.
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11-03-2014 15:33
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Women think it's reasonable to turn you down for sex and get mad when you JO. Save yourself some time and stop trying to figure her out.
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11-08-2014 15:11
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I went grocery shopping hungry and I'm now the proud owner of aisles 6, 8, 9, 12, and most of the bakery.
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06-07-2015 11:52
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Chicken soup poured into a dinner bowl looks yummy. Chicken soup poured into a toilet bowl looks disgusting.
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06-08-2015 09:58 by bcdamron
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In hindsight, naming my animal control business "I'll Pound That P ussy" wasn't a very good idea.
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06-16-2015 14:27 by Czovczov
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I started to use alcohol as a crutch,,, and the I realized it was a liquid.
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07-20-2015 06:36 by snotty
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When you're working out in 108 degree heat and have to pull up your soggy underwear after going #2 FML
an Amish Driveby Shooting.................."Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clock Clip Clop.........BANG BANG BANG BANG.............Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clop"
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08-15-2015 12:57
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It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
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09-23-2015 12:53 by snotty
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PRO TIP: Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong into a harp.
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12-03-2015 08:27 by snotty
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You don't always need a plan Bro, Sometimes you just need Balls . Harden the f*ck up
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12-07-2015 18:21
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I was going to wear my birthday suit today but it has been stretched out of shape and is covered in hair.
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12-26-2015 10:38
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Sorry I peed on your baby, but in my defense he started it.
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12-20-2013 09:50
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I haven't had a complete stranger high five or wave at me in a really long time. Time to put on a Nutella costume and walk through the Mall again.
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01-21-2014 00:38 by Jiffy Pop
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[on a first date]... Me: So do you like puppies?... Her: Oh I love them... Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies... Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
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04-30-2015 02:37 by snotty
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Im going to get some crayons and puppets and teach you snowflakes how to vote so yo dont have to cry again in 4 years
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01-21-2017 00:41
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If they can't afford an extra $500 a year or $41 a month they shouldn't be buying a house. I guess another bailout like in 2013 of the FHA is more preferable. Taxpayers dont want to buy you another house which you will most likely default on.
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01-21-2017 10:10
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