Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saw a donkey use the zebra crossing to cross the road. What a smart ass!

   My alarm clock went off...I reached over and I guess I must have hit the "throw yourself against the wall and break into a thousand pieces" button.

   if you assume all people are crazy, the mystery of life would be solved.

   WHATS THE NAME OF THE SHOW WHERE THEY CATCH CRABS " JERSEY SHORE"

   In the Toronto mayor's defense it was maple syrup flavored crack...

   Funny how one morning you can wake up feeling like you're on a tropical island and the next day feel like you woke up on the island of misfit toys. . .

   im a real cool person once you get to ignore me

   If the NFL is so smart, why haven't they created a cable channel of just NFL cheerleaders dancing and jumping around?

   Listen to what girls say when they're angry... That's when the truth comes out.

   Apparently a seizure isn't a challenge to a dance-off.

   I've decided I no longer want to be an adult....if you need me I will be in my blanket fort with my coloring book, etch-a-sketch, lite brite, speak-n-spell, and my sit-n-spin. Best. Toys. Ever. This is gonna be off the hook!

   I have psychic powers...I knew you would read this.

   I know he's not good for me. I think I love him. -women

   "Wow! A chocolate river!" exclaims Augustus. Wonka adjusts his hat. "Actually, that's an open sewer line, but feel free to keep drinking…"

   the ham is melting, the turkey is suspended in midair, the salami is hatching from its own egg. why did we even come to the salvidor deli

   A bunch of empty beer cans is called calling in sick tomorrow.

   The only bad beer is an unopened one.

   I like my woman like my beer. Silent.

   No women in their soccer team. Typical Iran.

   Maybe cigarettes don't give you cancer. Maybe it's the jean jackets and sunglasses. We just don't know.