Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   an Australian computer network called a LAN down under?

   You will NEVER see a person with Tourette's syndrome on the bomb squad.

   *accidentally taxidermies the wrong end of a lion... * "What a catasstrophy!"

   There are people who actually send you Candy Crush invites on Sunday? Really? On the Lord's special day? The evil is strong in you.

   Good thing my mom's not on Facebook otherwise you would have to read some sappy Happy Mother's Day post from me.

   FRIEND: What is that smell?.. ME: My new Axe spray. Earl Grey Tea, and Yorkshire Pudding.... Friend: *gag* why?... ME: Chicks dig English Axe scents.

   When I say "It's a long story" to you, It usually means I just don't want to tell you or I'm just lazy to.

   Arthur Carlson said As God as my witness...I thought turkeys could fly not Les Nessman

   Looks like we'll get another year of Lebron James choking.

   one girl scout cookie away from type two diabetes

   Nothing is scarier than an old milky eyed gypsy whispering "don'cha be 'fraid naw."

   Sunday's best part: Reminding everyone of a new long week at work.

   Now that I'm older, I sometimes wonder If Hobbes really was just a product of Calvin's imagination.

   Can you imagine how scary the Wendy William's Pushing Out a Baby Face looks?

   woke up having unintentionally lost his virginity to a newly unsprung spring in the bed :(

   making a Sexual Bucket List: 50 Things to Do Sexually Before You Die

   In the Costa Concordia movie, the main character should be an Italian cruise ship crash investigator who was planning to retire this week.

   I see ole' Beverly Perdue is packing her Government bags and headed back to her husband Frank's Chicken farm! "Pluck them feathers woman!" heehee

   One advantage of going to sleep drunk: The bed bugs leave you alone.

   Sexual frustration should recharge phone batteries...