Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people's noses and feet are built backwards. Their feet smell and their noses run.

   Do you ever wish you can transport people that annoy you on an island where they are forced to fight to the end & it's all filmed live for your enjoyment? New reality show pitch...what do you think?

   always wondered why people with no teeth often buy the most expensive toothpaste.

   all that, a bag of chips, *and* salsa. *AND* queso.

   ..is already missing her time in Palermo. They had sunshine and sexy women. What does the U.K. haue? A week of summer and Susan Boyle.

   at the end nobody loses, but there's me laughing at you.

   Thinks they should have Extreme Bejeweled Blitz Tournaments on the OCHO

   planning a night she can't remember!

   I went to the store to buy some beef jerky but my credit application was turned down.

   What sense of getting parrot and not teaching it to say. Hello, it's me Jimmy Hoffa, I was turned into a parrot send help...

   Women should come equipped with traffic lights. That way guys would know when to stop, when to proceed with caution, and when to go hard.

   To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick's Day. . .

   I don’t understand you. You don’t understand me. What else do we have in common?

   Coming from someone who writes "a Atlas" #ignorant #anAtlas

   She might look sweet and innocent until you end up hog tied to a bed naked with a gag in your mouth because you were 'naughty and tried to get away'!

   just call me "Mario" cause I've been looking & looking & cant seem to find a woman either #Nintendo

   It's a damn shame that all the people who avoid me can't just come to terms with being in love with me.

   Never bring a hangover to a wife fight.

   How touching and appropriate for the LA Clippers to invite the Ole Miss to their game last night to lead the crowd in a stirring rendition of "Dixie"...

   Loneliness is not getting your pets spayed or neutered so that you can have grandkids someday.