Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Omg there is high definition paint? People will believe anything. Well I just invented hd crayons, for the low price of 59.99 a box you can watch you drawings pop off the paper.. Idiots

   Watching the Today show. I noticed I could'nt understand what was being said. Thought It was me then I realized... That's how Willard Scott talks now.

   Stick a fork in him, he's Dunn..

   Dear George Clooney, I see you finally took my advice & broke up with that floozie, Elisabetta. Now you & I can get on with what is meant to be-US! You have my number, I left it for you on millions of texts,emails& letters. Pick up the phone, it's ok dear

   Live once. Regret nothing. Rewrite destiny.. nothing is written in stone. Nothing. Love your life the way you need to, not the way your told too.

   My phone is smarter than you.

   There's not many things more awkward than telling a guy with a rebel flag t-shirt you're from Gettysburg, Pa

   Its impossible to say the word "ironic" without some idiot saying "don't ya think"...Thanks a lot Alanis Morissette

   You re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster

   finally its Jail for Whitey Bulger, brings a new meaning to tighty Whitey

   If you strangle the next person that posts about choking Smurfs....would anyone care?

   Yes,I talk to myself..Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself..and the makeup sex is awesome.

   the akward moment when you open the fridge and a fly comes out

   All this lighting is pissing me off, just rain and thunder already. Your teasing me like a skanky girl across the street who dances naked with the window open..... I see you.

   I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

   I can't believe the plural of moose isn't meese

   To do list: 1. Poop. 2. I can't do anything until I poop.

   Remember when Clinton was in office? Man those were the days huh?

   My girl is sweet...I am now a member of her BENEFITS program...!!!!

   If their called smart phones, why is it that only idiots use them?