Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   weed"its something to do ,when there's nothing to do,that makes nothing to do,something to do

   Screw YOLO! Give me a ROLO!!!

   I had a dream about a planet run by orphans who sing a song filled with unintelligible lyrics and had authority figures with voices that blared like brass. Then I woke up and A Charlie Brown Christmas was on.

   If you want somebody, just tell them. The only games you should play with people are strip poker and naked Twister.

   the way everything you do is connecting to facebook, I look for bank accounts to get connected one day & the bank teller will say "that check bounced but we see ur friends with this person who looks rich...ask them to borrow some"

   Wife and grandchildren are out of town. I'm eating ice cream for breakfast in my whitie tighties, I'm the man of the house now!!

   The guy who came up with the spelling of the word Wednesday was probably the same lame ass who showed up to the party on time.

   Move over Belle and Jasmine... Leia is the new #1 Disney Princess...

   You haven't visited my farm on Facebook. Don't you love me anymore? - Crazy Girlfriend

   whether its for you or her. Women want more Mouth in the South.

   One way to keep women out of NASCAR.... Don't throw the Yellow when she's stopped backwards on the race track...

   I miss when a girl hit you it meant she liked you and you chased her around the playground. Now when she hits you, it's with her car.

   After watching E.T. I'm kinda skeptical. If I found an alien in my shed I'd probably be more likely to beat the crap out of it with a shovel than give it Reese's Pieces.

   Hey guys if my wife asks, Facebook pays us bi-annually, that should buy me some time.

   Facebook is not a shower, so keep your clothes on ho!

   People have a tendency to become like they are treated. If they are not like all the others, you might want to treat them differently.

   Skinny jeans are like calories....easy to put on, impossible to take off

   I've ignored you for 4 years and you still haven't taken the hint... this is a serious stalker problem

   The wife says, "Tolerate" would definately be includued in any 2nd wedding marriage vows,,,

   Okay, so I signed up for Missionary work. Here I sit in Uganda and still no sex. Sheesh!