Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hipsters: being uncool on purpose since 1979...don't believe me? I heard it on vinyl...

   loves a liquid lunch!!

   My girlfriend will never be able to satisfy my needs because what I need is a new girlfriend.

   Birds eye have recalled all there fish products as the contain traces of sea horse...

   why do ppl say they are "under the weather"?....unless ur an astronaut, were all under the weather

   Just heard a guy spent his whole $1000 tax return at the strip club in 1 night. Why do I always miss the cool parties?

   It’s always difficult to maintain that air of manliness when it comes to the ‘sucking her nipples' part

   I remember the first guy who broke my heart. Well look at me now, Jason! I talk about mundane stuff and drinking escapades to perfect strangers on the Internet. I got a lot going on, dude. You had your chance!

   only Washington can call a decrease in the increase a budget cut...

   I have never prayed so hard in my life that the new Pope that walks out onto that balcony is Dennis Rodman.

   Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

   I have a crystal ball and when I sit down I do it very carefully.

   I think I'm emotionally constipated cuz I haven't been given a SHhhhit in days!

   ny psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.

   You’ll never get the same results running on a tread mill as you will running from a pi$sed off Pit Bull

   I hide my por n in a folder named “por n” on my desktop because I refuse to live in fear.

   Yo Bit&h, Of course I'm sorry about your problem. Just like the other 1,536 of your friends that keep reading about it. Trust me... we're ALL sorry for reading it!

   My wife has always wanted me to learn to dance. I think I'll learn twerking...

   Anyone remembers walking far away from your house just to see how good is your wireless home phone reception before it goes out?.....Man did those phones have good battery- life

   weed"its something to do ,when there's nothing to do,that makes nothing to do,something to do