Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Why does a hooker make more money than a drug dealer? She can wash her crack and re-sell it!
←Rate | 06-27-2011 19:18 by Duuude! Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everybody wear a Facebook t-shirt and FlashMob 8am at MySpace HQ when Tom gets to work. Be there!
←Rate | 06-27-2011 18:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Aladdin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy,
←Rate | 06-27-2011 17:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
←Rate | 06-27-2011 17:32 by Dopey420 Comments (0)  


   messageicon One good way to reduce alcohol consumption, before marriage drink when your sad, after marriage drink when your happy.
←Rate | 06-27-2011 17:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Here's a tip for those that tan: If you end up lookin' like you rolled around in a bunch of Dorito's, you overdid it.
←Rate | 06-27-2011 17:10 by mntnbikerbw Comments (0)  


   messageicon Three fun thing to do at Walmart: 1. Paint Hitler mustaches on all the smiley faces. 2. Have the manager page Mr. Harry Bawls. 3. Dress in hopes of being photographed for "People of Walmart."
←Rate | 06-27-2011 16:51 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Yes" is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you've consumed.
←Rate | 06-27-2011 16:49 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon What's with all these Facebook quizzes? Does it look like I give a shlt about what type of chocolate I am?
←Rate | 06-27-2011 16:48 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon So, I'm at the crossroads & Bone Thugs N Harmony is clearly not here... What a waste of time, and gas.
←Rate | 06-27-2011 16:46 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Im opening up an all female casino... Liquor in the front, Poker in the back.
←Rate | 06-27-2011 16:41 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon If Dr. Seuss were alive today he might write a book about horrible footwear choices and call it Crocs with Socks... and then kill himself.
←Rate | 06-27-2011 16:39 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon The first thing on my to-do list is burning my to-do list.
←Rate | 06-27-2011 16:38 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm so gangsta, I don't even report to Microsoft when Firefox unexpectedly quits. Snitches get Stitches B*tches!
←Rate | 06-27-2011 16:34 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon This Status Update could be yours for six Easy Payments of $19.99
←Rate | 06-27-2011 16:33 Comments (3)  


   messageicon million dollar Idea! !!..Cologne for your balls that activates at the the drop of a sweat.
←Rate | 06-27-2011 16:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ladies, there's a BIG difference between make-up and looking like you've been attacked by Crayola.
←Rate | 06-27-2011 16:29 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you hit your girlfriend's best friend with a car, apparently, "I banged your best friend" is the wrong way to inform her.
←Rate | 06-27-2011 16:16 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Had to have "the sex talk" with my 10 yr old. He was a little overwhelmed so I left out the part about golden showers and donkey punches.
←Rate | 06-27-2011 16:15 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon You ever notice how most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them? Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus...
←Rate | 06-27-2011 16:11 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  




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