Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its official. The Rose Garden has been replaced with a watermelon patch, and the kitchen turned into a KFC.

   I'm not anti-religion, I'm pro-reality.

   because we didn't evolve from CURRENT apes... we evolved from a comman ancestor whose population was split and separated geographically 6 million years ago and evolved in different directions. DUH!

   Idea for a Christmas Party: Have two guys dress as Jesus and Santa Claus. One brings wine the other brings Eggnog with vodka. Santa brings his 12 reindeer playboy bunnies. All at your mother-in-law's house. ONE BIG JINGLE FOR THE YEAR.

   If my grandkids ask how Trump got elected, I'm gonna say that Breaking Bad was so awesome that everyone in America ended up on Meth!

   Donald Trump knows darn well who David Duke and the KKK are and he welcomes their endorsement. He just doesn't want to openly admit it.

   So do we need new stricker Bomb laws now?

   "What comes after the letter T?" Normal People: "U" Me: "Wait. A, B, C, D, E, F, G....."

   Your picture on Facebook (`▽´) .Your face in real life : (‾(••)‾)

   A woman bragging to a man about her college degree is like a man bragging about slam dunking on a woman.

   Ladies, Summer's Eve just announced a new douche infused with THC, anti-perspirant, and KFC... It leaves you fresh, high, dry, and finger lickin' good!

   Flattered when someone rearranges one of my status updates as their own... Thanks

   During sex you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles. Who the f$ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?

   Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, have a profile picture, write on walls, and get pocked my guys you don't really know.

   if your not first your last!... Ricky Bobby.

   Use this form for submissions only. Viola"No more Foreign Aid until every American is fed, clothed and has a home" I would vote for any man or woman that promised that...wouldn't care what color, religion or who he/she slept with....PERIOD!!

   You simply have not lived until your dad's sperm fertilizes your mother's egg.

   I don't mean to be mean but leggings on that old dear....that wasn't a camel toe,it was a moose hoof!!!...

   so Oprah's last show was today... what are her minions going to do now that she is gone from tv? there are housewives in KY who need someone to tell them what books to read and what Scientology is doing to Tom Cruise.

   Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job? What's so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?