Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So if Justin Bieber has his own cologne...I def think its about time I came up with one of my own..Not sure what too call it tho..They say you should name it after things you like..So I am really leaning toward naming it "Ode to BoobiesVajayjayNinjaFight"

   treat everything like a dog would. If you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.

   checked in at Charlie Sheen's Bungalow

   saying "black and yellow black and yellow"... sounds like a R. Kelly home made video.

   The problem with us beautiful people is that most people hate us.

   Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?

   There was a chilled beer in the fridge and a note, "Don't drink me." Now there's an empty tin and a note, "Don't tell me what to do."

   girls with flat chests and guys with hips deserve each other.......its only fair.

   I love it when I drop my iPod and my headphones save it's life!

   Sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's good. But when it's bad... it's still pretty good!

   I'm Not Lazy. Someone Just Stole My Motivation. I'm the Victim here!!!

   If a guy treats you like a princess, he was obviously raised by a queen. If he treats you like crap, well..he was raised by someone along the lines of michael vick.

   Breaking News: A woman with a suspicious looking cold sore on her lip just tried to kiss me on the cheek. Don't worry, I am okay. I stiff armed her!

   Hard to believe we once all had phones physically attached to a wall. When it rang we'd pick it up without knowing who was calling… And it did not send or receive text messages... How Amazing! We all survived those times and we're still alive…

   If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive.. Take her to the Gas Station.

   TIP: A quick way to get your kids out of bed is to go in their room and shout, "What the Heck?!! There are deer in our backyard!! "

   Attention to all my lady Facebook friends; Posting pics of you and your men kissing and frolicking is one sure way to get deleted.

   Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them German, Because life is also terrifying and confusing.

   When my Mrs left I was sad & lonely :( Since then, I've got a dog, shagged 2 women & blown a £1000 on booze & cocaine. She'll go mental when she gets in from work!!

   Every time someone tells me Happy Holidays, I just want to deck their halls....with a roundhouse kick to the face.....