Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn't come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn't a gift

   Sometimes just thinking of two fat people with really huge stomachs trying to hug each other is enough to make my day.

   All these smiling Alabama football fans you would think Today is Toothless people appreciation day in Alabama

   I would rather read a spooky story than seeing someone using 'fingers crossed' expression.

   Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hike-able mountain and no one went to check

   Now we have to see our suspected gay FB friends under a colored rainbow app...

   If you put a rusty penny in a glass of Mountain Dew overnight,,, in the morning Abraham Lincoln will be riding a snowboard.

   A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

   Hates it when he gets to his exit on the freeway. It's such a turn off.

   Brutally honest: The two reasons I would like a girlfriend are 1) consistant sex and 2) not having to find a date to functions such at weddings, couples nights, New Years Eve, etc...

   If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, "keep away from children."

   Whenever you feel a warm breeze brush against you, that's the kiss I blew to you.

   I hate going to a restaurant and my girlfriend orders food and ends up picking out of my plate.

   attention: Helen Waite is now in charge of my schedule. if you need me to do anything just go to Helen Waite.

   ate broccoli twice yesterday and now his car smells like a mobile crematorium that only cooks buttholes.

   I'm going to be the first person to walk on the sun... I know what ur thinking an I've got it all figured out... I'm going at night.

   I found a pillbug. He curled into a ball. That's how he rolls.

   We should sentence Casey Anthony to 4 years of watching Tyler Perry movies.

   My friend accused me of gossiping. I took offense because I've heard from several sources that she is the one that gossips.

   Girls: Going into detail about your period is about as attractive as a guy trying to detail the smell of his brother's scrotum.