Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the best part of waking up is Folgers in my cup, I don't think I wanna wake up.

   Thanksgiving: The only day where it's American to stuff your face and be proud of it!

   I hate dealing with the "middle man" so Wednesday, please hurry and go away and let me see your Boss Friday... Thanks!

   They say a picture is worth a thousand words... have they ever noticed that a middle finger is worth a million?

   Judge your self-worth by how far you can stick your finger up your nose.

   When I say I have "true grit" right now, I'm not talking about how tough I am. Just that I happend to smile during this dust storm :/

   The only time I get name-dropped is in games of "Would You Rather".

   It would be impossible to throw Jesus a surprise birthday party.

   I saved a life today, because I asked a hobbo. what will he do if I gave him $1000, he said he will die of happinnes, so I didnt give him

   In a post-Gadaffi world, Hannukah is the only thing that gets to have 4 legal spellings.

   I see UFOs every night until they turn into FOs.

   Fringe benefits??? And all these years i've been going around like a moron saying "French Benefits"...

   Merry Christmas (I'm not showing off but I bet I get that trending all day today)

   I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. Then I decide to put it back in the fridge and get a bottle of Champagne ... HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!

   Probably won't see War Horse. I'd definitely think about seeing a movie titled Skirmish Pony.

   My wife just said shes going to live in Estonia for 15 months! PARTY AT MY PLACE!!!

   "We found lunch in a homeless place" - Rihanna in a soup kitchen

   I call bullsh!t on these retro bottles of Coca-Cola. They make you add your own cocaine.

   Do I still get to be one of those uppity "I don't watch TV" people if it's just because I sold mine for methadone?

   The older your Facebook post, The "Creepier " your like becomes.