Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people can judge a beer by just a sip but it takes me the whole glass.

   I knew a girl once who though she was a tease! But she wasn't good looking enough so she was just annoying !

   Facebook: Because why not think out loud to a bunch of strangers on the internet?

   Oh Yeah??,,, Nothing useful in Skymall, eh??.. Okay, (affixes mini umbrellas to shoes)... Enjoy your wet feet

   The best part about babysitting the grandkids..... Being able to drink on the job!!

   Your whoroscope says you're gonna get "the herpes"

   If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side in the middle of the night...

   Instead of wanting more, be happy with what you've got. Except you tiny p en*s guy, you should probably master oral.

   I have no tolerance for stupid people because, in most cases, stupidity is voluntary. They made a conscious decision to exist in that state.

   Leaving work for lunch.....hmmm...wait a minute....What the helll am I talking about....I dont even have a job.

   Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?

   I miss you. The old you. The new you sucks!

   My imaginary friend is bullying me !! (o.0)

   The best part of having relatives over is that feeling you get when you shut the door behind them as they leave.

   If Aaron Hernandez beats this murder charge, they need to put him on the cover of next year's Madden.

   What if gravity was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always crap on the floor to clean up...... Wait!,, Just hear me out bro.

   I'm schizophrenic. I can have an orgy just by jerking off.

   "Zyzzyva, Zyxst, Zyxt..." - Noah Webster's last words

   If it wasn't for Google or Bing the world would be full of idiots

   I'm more of an Atrophy husband.