Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't forget comic relief this year. Just R50 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and a girlfriend.

   I'm so selfish for complaining about being sick with the flu for 5 days now. Just saw Justin Bieber collapsed. Horrifying...

   This girl told me that she likes men who know long words. So, I told her how ammaazzzziiiinnnggg she was.

   nobody, and I mean nobody has less street cred than a brother named Cody...

   I wear a hoodie and shorts cause half of me don't give a s hit and half of me is cold…

   Hey Electoral college,,,, Sorry,, I wasn't paying attention,,,what do I do if my election lasts for more than 4 hours?

   Time to set the clocks ahead 23 hours.

   With all these scandals w/ big bird & now elmo I'm kinda glad they nvr told me how 2 get 2 sesame st.

   Siri is the only form of intelligent communication I've talked to on my phone since October 4, 2011.

   Never ask a cheater if they cheat. They'll cheat on that question too!

   Bed good outside bad!

   Totally cool to keep killing your people Bashar. Just don't use chemical weapons. Otherwise, we're all good.

   20 minutes later, and I can't remember who I "sanded my wood" to. I have to find better imaginary girlfriends.

   If I wanted to see American Horror Story I would just stalk the Kardashians

   You wouldn't think I've ever had a stroke unless you saw me trying to get my wallet out my back pocket while driving.

   I love you so much I increased your life insurance. Now shut up and lets go camping in the bear-infested woods.

   60% of the time, it works everytime

   Luis Suarez - if you cant beat them bite them!

   My life feels like I'm constantly waiting while it's buffering

   Some people can judge a beer by just a sip but it takes me the whole glass.