Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When people tell other couples that they aren't in love, makes me laugh. love is a word you define yourself, don't let a dictionary definition express the way you feel - Brandon Markovich

   Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know."

   After reading this sentence you will realize that the the brain doesn't recognize a second 'the'.

   Two things define your Personality, The way you manage things when you have nothing. The way you behave when you have everything.

   'Everyday I'm shufflin!' Wait no, except on Fridays. I gotta get down on Fridays.

   Difference between promises and memories? We break promises, and our memories break us.

   If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Seriously, punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.

   I ran out of deodorant this morning and tried my wife's Secret deodorant and I can tell you fella's it really is "strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman."

   Now I heard women have like a sixth sense to tell what a guy is thinking about..And I wanna see if its true...So what am I thinking abou tright now??...(. )( .)...Give up??

   I just went to that God wants you to know app.. It said, "Nothing" :-/

   Fortune Cookies Lie...

   Thinks that there should be handicapped parking for drunk and stoned people..just saying.

   Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.

   I must go to work! there are people on welfare depending on me.

   Empty bottle of Tequila......Waking up fluent in Spanish.......Coincidence?? I think NOT....;)

   What were the Beckhams thinking, calling their baby girl Harper Seven? If she'd been born 15 minutes later she could have been Kwarta Eight LOL

   A girl sleeps wit a lot of men she's a sl*t, but if a guy sleeps with alot of women he's the man. Not a double standard, look at it like this. If a key opens alot of locks it's a master key, if a lock gets opened by alot of keys then it's a sh*tty lock.

   It's for freakin hot that I bet that there are some women ovulating poached eggs.

   I'm setting Casey Anthony up on a blind date with my friend Dexter Morgan, who is also from Florida.

   The capital of Montana is not Hannah.