Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A blow job is just like a regular job excpet men love coming to it.

   You had me at jello. Oh you said hello. Do you have any jello? No? Why are you doing this to me?

   I think the worst fate would be a mime stuck in an actual soundproof invisible box.

   I thought about you this morning. I was cleaning my gun.

   Last night she told me my pick up lines are lame I'm never taking advices from a bartender named Isaac on a cruise ship ever again..

   Son: Do I sleep on my stomach or back?... Me: Your back, that way youre ready to fight if the monsters attack... Son: WAIT ??,,What? .... ME: Night son

   If there were only some way I could change my profile pic here on Facebook with minimal effort on my part and a simple click of a button that shows I support a good cause.....Someone needs to get on this.

   Eyebrows so big and arched, you think you're driving through a McDonald's.

   65% of parenting is figuring out what the heck your kid is pointing at and then acknowledging it before he melts down.

   HER: This is an emergency, so its women and children first! ME: Lady, it's just a breakfast buffet...

   I ain't saying your girl gonna cheat on you but for 1000 likes on Instagram anything is possible.

   I'm so thankful that we live in a time where there is a social media platform for each one of my personalities

   If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, stalk them.

   I am the type of person who would find having super powers a real hassle

   "Half a Dozen", because saying "six" was just too difficult.

   Quadaffi doesn't know what he's talking about. Al Qaeda spiked my coffee with acid and I don't want to destroy anything. All I want to do is wander around the landscape of my old copy of Myst and listen to Ozric Tentacles.

   still has the christmas tree up in her room. I'm not a procrastinator, just an over achiever.

   just separated 48 banana Runts from the other flavors out of the box. I feel like I just deprived a village of tiny monkeys food for a month

   BBC News: Borrowers still struggle to get onto first rung of the housing ladder. I'm not surprised, the poor b-starrds are f-kin tiny.

   "Silence is the best answer for all questions" "Smiling is the best reaction in all situations".