Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ❒Single ❒Taking ✔Screw that it will only bring me down when I run from Zombies

   whenever you feel powerless, remember that just one single turd of yours can shut down an entire waterpark

   I officially give up...lol oh well I guess thats why god gave me hands and man made energizer batteries lol

   I'd probably get a lot more done if it wasn't for me.

   Some people have this amazing ability in life, the ability to still care for people they shouldn't give a damn about, people they have every right to hate because of all the sh*t they have put them through. I am not one of those people!

   I hate when they print out a receipt and there's an option for Tip before you put the Total Charge. I'm not going to tip you just because you printed out my receipt!

   .I only ever go where I'm needed, and by needed I mean go where the cookies are.

   Here's an idea, instead of pointing out the faults of others, look in the mirror, find your own faults and start correcting them. That ought to keep you busy for a while you judgmental and hypocritical b*stard.

   Did you know that if you hit someone in the rear that you are at automatic fault? If you honk your horn .01 seconds after the light turns green, then I hope you can back up faster than I can.

   I don't believe I had the pleasure of meeting you, I mean I got your friend request, and accepted, greeted you, never heard from you! On the other hand, I do believe I'll have the pleasure of deleting you, that is certain.

   What's the point of the Psychic Hotline if they won't tell me where my other shoe is?!?

   I just read that the Actor who plays Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter said he is going to become a rapper! .... can we all say Expecto Disapointmento!

   Either I'm really drunk or you're really hot. The choice is yours.

   I recommend you chickens learn to talk. Nobody ever said, "Let's go get a bucket of parrot."

   When I sense that some one is talking down to me I like to see just how dumb I can act.

   I guess Amish people have to just yell out their status updates... so sad.

   Life is dangerous: You could slip in the shower, get hit by a bus, mauled by a bear or drown in breasts (it happens, look it up).

   I can see movies at any time, I'd rather have BOOZE on demand...

   Do you know how much more gas mileage my car would get if it didn't have to haul my fat ass around?

   Did Nostradamus get it wrong with his predictions and predict the end of the News of the World?