Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't like when women carry guns. I always preferred a woman who liked to kill the old fashioned way. Years of subtle mental terrorism.

   I don't understand my co-workers. I am in IT, they are all Indian, and I LITERALLY cannot understand them.

   Honey I shrunk the kids' college savings,,, and bet on a pure bred horse

   Never trust a guy who says trust me

   Those who don't know me think I'm on drugs. Those who do think I should be.

   Women don't like women that look like women you used to date.

   What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?

   Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore I was wearing one but I was still shot by the woman's husband

   I hate Throwback Thursday. I already have to see your ugly face in a hundred different angles from your selfies. Now I have to see how fat and ugly you were as a kid too?!

   I just wanna be the reason your therapist can afford to buy a Mercedes

   If you don't have anything nice to say, I hope it's about someone I hate.

   Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.

   If you use the word “extravaganza” in a poster for your party I immediately assume it will be held in a retirement home.

   Are you really that attractive, or is your Selfie game just that strong?

   [Status omitted by the US Secretary of Defense]

   I'm ok with how you work it. Moderate diggity, reasonable doubt.

   Buffalo residents be like....Every day I'm Shovelin.....(add music here)

   Now that she hates Americans, we know she's Ariana "not so" grande...

   The devil you know is better than the devil you don't. Unless the devil you know is Steve "Goat Hooves" Kapinski. That guy's the worst.

   Jennifer Aniston has kept me in the Friends zone for years.