Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A perfect Tuesday goal: To be the right amount of crazy to make everyone else doubt their sanity.

   Teens these days don't know how lucky they are to have song lyrics sites. We used to sing stuff wrong for years until the truth destroyed us with weekly therapy sessions.

   Ants kill 30 people every year. Marijuana is safer than ants.

   Food Digger: (noun) A female who dates, establishes and maintains relationships with a man with a sole purpose to eat, and get food at someone elses expense. Please don't got confused with a gold digger.

   Job Hunting Tip: Before I go into a job interview, I always dump Gatorade over my head so everyone knows I'm a winner.

   Thanks for the fecking blockbusters gift card granma.

   Or you could just reword a meme we all saw.

   My safe word is "Will you marry me?"

   English Lesson: Allow me to put my dangling participle in your dipthong.

   I love eating ice soup the day before every pay day.

   Am I the only person wondering why Bernie Sanders never joined the military to someday be a colonel?

   I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.

   I want to start a band called "Day Job" so that when we play and people say "don't quit your day job" I'll be like "thanks we practice a lot".

   Beyonce New Lemonade video is making me feel like my man is cheating on me. ... and I dont even have one. me....

   My dog says my job is to always rub his back,, and violates OSHA law by not letting me take breaks.

   Sorry I sexted you with Air Supply lyrics.

   Grooming tip: Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

   I'm 'when Hanson came out I thought the drummer was a hot girl' years old.

   Keep your cats close and your other cats closer

   " It's pretty cool how much free stuff this cashier gave me at the self checkout. " From a cashier prone to joblessness and hopelessness.