Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Go to the gym, else instagram will run out of business

   My parents think I'm bad, but if they saw how half my friends treat their parents, they'd appreciate me more.

   I didn't say I hope you choke on your next meal. I said, I hope theres some reruns of Ally McBeal. Silly. -when adult rhymes save marriages

   Can't decide what underwear to answer the door in tonight.

   If you advertise your presumably better tv on my old tv and I indeed see how quality your tv is, doesn't that mean my tv is just as good?

   Just a couple more weeks until America learns which Olympians have the most terrifying moms.

   Chinese smog drifting east and is now covering parts of California. Yet another American icon has been outsourced.

   Tired of forgetting people's names as soon as they introduce themselves? Fix it by staying home and never meeting anyone new.

   I'm okay with dying alone as long as I can have pizza and vodka along the way.

   A flower delivery van pulled up in front of my house, slowed down, went past and then stopped at my 80 year old neighbor's house. HUGE bouquet of red roses with baby's breath...sigh. So close...

   Just in case you are having a bad day, let's think about a fat cat that's in the sink.

   Just in case you are having a bad day, let's think about a fat cat that's stuck in the sink.

   I was like, "Whoa, taco-flavored yogurt"....

   Do I have a date for Valentine's day? Yes, It's February 14th!

   Pornhub should promise to plant a tree for every 100 videos watched....

   Taylor Swift doesn't necessarily need 10 Grammy awards, when we have starving artists like Kanye West.

   It's weird to think that before Facebook and social media all these dumb thoughts stayed in people's heads = But that's none of my business.

   Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money

   ( last meal on death row ) "Parmigian cheese?" . . . *I nod. . . "Say when". . . * I wink at camera. . .

   Minding my business and leaving yours alone.