Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

   on this day in 2010, thanks facebook for reminding me of my breakup last year

   The epicenter of the quake has been pin-pointed to a graveyard outside of DC, where all of our Founding Fathers had rolled over in their graves.

   if you have an iphone, it means you like being told what to like.

   Being loved unconditionally is not a free pass to mess up.

   It takes more muscles to frown than it does to just completely ignore people.

   If you can't stay faithful, dont be in a relationship.. simple!

   Those who say laughter is the best medicine obviously never heard a great joke while suffering with diarrhoea.

   Quote of the week "Tactically, it's all going as planned.." Qaddafi

   Will and Jada splitting, 5.8 earthquake in DC, and now Hurricane Irene as a possible Cat 4 landfall this weekend??? Lord have mercy............

   When you stretch and your inner porn star moan comes out by accident.

   Would like to give a big shout out to the people that are hard of hearing

   When the sex is good, the neighbours get no rest.

   living the Champagne lifestyle with Bud Light pockets

   Hey east coast, California speaking. Hope you enjoyed our earthquakes:)

   Im gonna hang out with everyone who likes this status today

   You know college has changed you when you see your 6 year old niece drinking out of a red plastic cup, and you scream, "Don't drink that... juice." Oh.

   You're Profile Picture had me at Hello... as in Hello, Report/Block, Goodbye that's a Fake Profile B*tch!"

   Obama is going to announce a new plan to get Americans back to work but it won't air until after Labor day.

   Grocery shopping right after a buffet dinner sucks!!